He’s right here with me…

   Hi my name is Zoe and I’m a reforming perfectionist. I have to introduce myself like an AA meeting because the striving for perfection was addictive to me, is addictive to me. It left no room for my humanity, for my flaws, for tears or my brokenness. It just left a chasm in that I filled with vices and empty dreams as I performed for society, for my family, for me. But the worst part wasn’t what it did to me. It wasn’t even the lies I believed about me. It was just the lies I accepted about the one being who loved me so utterly and earth shatteringly. I believed my sin was too ugly for him to see. That he died for everyone but me. That he didn’t think I was worrying dying for. That Grace was not for me. Legalistic teaching isn’t just stifling it left no room for Jesus to love me. It left no room for Jesus to choose me because I wouldn’t choose me. I wouldn’t forgive me. I wouldn’t love me. Legalism made no room for his mercy and it left me empty. I was I could tell you I came to this revelation knee deep in a Bible study but I didn’t I forgived out the depths of his love for me and that the cross was big enough for me on a sin bender essentially. I had given up trying. I wasn’t praying or reading I was spiraling and self destructing because the weight of carrying me was too much. So I quit. I’d never speak badly of him because I loved him more than words could explain I just couldn’t fathom he loved me. And at the depths of my stupor he spoke to me. And I earnestly asked “why are you?” Honestly almost angery because he’s presence near me with the smell of sin on me was unraveling the lies before me. And he just wouldn’t leave and I was begging him to leave and he just wouldn’t leave. I had no offering. No song to sing. My hands weren’t even clean my soul felt filthy and he looked at me and it was the most unnerving thing. He looked at me in the middle of my spiraling. This perfect lamb and spoke to me. I wish I could tell you that in the moment he fixed me. That I’m speaking from a healed me. But I’m not. Im still struggling and broken in more places than I would like to see I just no better now one thing. The cross was big enough for me.  That Romans 8 was correct and I was too proud to focused one me to see. Nothing can separate his love from me. Even me. 


38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord

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